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6:26 am - 04 August 2006
i've just had 3 nights in birmingham, with early starts & late finishes all the way through, and i'm tired & emotional so i'm 200% sure this is a bad idea to write this but i will. need to get things flying round my head written down. doesnt matter that nobody will read past the 4th line. its embarrassing being depressed. i don't know if i am or not, i looked it up a while back on the internet and i've got all the symptoms and more. insomnia, no appetite, bulemia, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, feeling lethargic. i sort of go through phases of it for a few days at a time. its embarrassing to say to people "yeah, i'm a mental" which is why i haven't told anyone. its embarrassing to think its because of 1 person and what they said 6 months ago and that i don't feel any better. i dont even blame Her for it, i wind myself up when i think about how happy i was then and how miserable i am now, and how different i am now. i've improved pretty much every aspect of my life - health (apart from the bulemia and insomnia), money, work - but i'd swap it all to go back. its safe to say my experiences with women over the last 6 months haven't exactly been great. there was the drink with that girl i met in jr's a few weeks ago, she turned out to be a bit on the aggressive side and i spent the entire evening trying to leave. there was the girl who neglected to tell me she had a husband who punched me in the face as i was trying to get out. that didn't really help the depression. the only positive was when i went cinema with jess, but i knew it was only as mates because she doesn't want a boyfriend because she's off to uni in september. i like her, she's a nice girl. very funny. i asked out the girl in woollies under severe pressure from O and B, i think it was a polite "no" but i haven't asked again just to make sure. i dont know if i'm depressed or not because its not a permananent thing. well not all of it. i've had 1 uninterrupted night of sleep in 6 months. Z told me to see a doctor but what good will that do? they'll say "yeah, you're mental, but get over it". i'm alright when i'm with people, keeps my mind off things. BA doesnt realise that when i ask her if she wants to watch a film together its because i'm feeling shit and just need to have someone in the same room. O, T and B have been brilliant, you know who your friends are. i think the problems are the way it ended & why, and knowing how happy she is without me and how miserable i am without her. it doesnt help spending time away for work, 3 nights in the same hotel bar/restaurant (only other thing within walking distance was a mcdonalds) - i looked round and everyone is on their own, male, and over 40. except me, i'm 23. the problem i've got is that when i feel like this i have nobody to talk to. the person i used to talk to about every problem is the reason behind this one. i don't know if i've been obviously low all the time, i think i've hidden it from people pretty well. apart from Z i dont think anyone at work has noticed, except the time P and A bought me Subway even though i said no. i'd hardly spoken for 3 days and hadn't eaten at all. there's so many things i want to say to her but i can't. i see her pop up on msn or see her name in my phone and there's so many questions or things i want to say but i know the answers and dont want to see them. i'm pretty sure she's going out with hawk, she doesn't miss me, she doesn't think about me hardly ever, she doesn't love me any more, she doesn't want to start again from scratch like the early days, she doesn't want me to take her on holiday because it would be a bad idea. maybe a problem is that because i was with someone so great for so long my standards are too high and i should settle for whatever i can get. but then why should i.

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